I Want My Money Back ~ By Allen Kopp
What has been seen cannot be unseen. Time lost cannot be recovered. Money wasted cannot be regained. The nominees for recent movies that, to me, were a complete waste of time, money, and effort:
Birdman ~ If the first thing you see in a movie is Michael Keaton in his underpants, you know it’s not a good sign. And, if Michael Keaton in his underpants one time isn’t enough, you will see Michael Keaton in his underpants again later in the movie. Birdman is a boring, pretentious, incomprehensible, talky-talky-talky-blab-blab-blabfest. All the characters do is stand around and talk. The most honored movie of the year, grabbing every award in sight. Everybody wet their pants over this one. Except me.
Gone Girl ~ Based on a novel I have no intention of ever reading, Gone Girl is about a married couple who don’t have such a good marriage. She’s a children’s author (ho-hum, I’m bored already), and he co-owns a bar in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, with his sister. She wants to spice things up in her marriage, so she tries to make it appear that he killed her and, after she has done that, she goes into hiding. She’s a devious, unlikeable, psychopathic, black-hearted bitch. Wait a minute! She is exactly the kind of despicable wife he deserves. This movie is like an episode of Dr. Phil. Excuse me while I locate my vomit bag.
Noah ~ Not much at all is known about Noah from the Bible, so the screenwriters here concocted a completely fictitious story with movie star Russell Crowe as Noah, complete with computer-generated animals. They’ve tried to make the story relevant and trendy by inserting references to the environment. They can’t bring themselves to refer to God for fear of offending anybody, even though God is an important, though unseen, element in the story. Noah is a religion-based movie seemingly made by people who don’t believe in anything other than their potential for box office profits. A bizarre, fabricated, disappointing story that bears no resemblance to anything in the Bible. What a load of horse hockey!
The Martian ~ A pedestrian sci-fi fantasy starring my least favorite movie actor in the universe, the smirking Matt Damon. He’s stranded alone on Mars after his astronaut colleagues think he’s dead. Well—guess what?—he’s not dead. He’ll have to figure out a way to survive alone in the hostile Martian environment for over a year; that’s how long it’ll be before anybody is scheduled to return. He uses his own excrement to grow potatoes as a food source. Classy, isn’t it? The Martian is a derivative, implausible, completely predictable exercise in tedium.
Still Alice ~ She’s a classy lady, a professor at a prestigious university, married to a renowned doctor. She lives in a beautiful house and is mother to several handsome, accomplished, successful children. When she’s only about fifty, she develops early-onset Alzheimer’s. We watch her as she forgets where the bathroom is in her own house and wets her pants. We watch her as she completely falls apart, not even being able to remember how to kill herself. Still Alice is like a story line to a soap opera or a TV disease-of-the-week movie. Manipulative and distasteful.
Life of Pi ~ A boy/man is traveling across the ocean from India to Canada on a small ship. His family owns a zoo in India and, because of financial difficulties, they are moving the zoo, which means all its animals, to Canada. A terrible storm wrecks the ship carrying the zoo and kills everybody on the ship except the boy/man and a few of the animals. The boy/man is lost at sea on a lifeboat with the surviving animals. He develops a special relationship with a tiger. Years later, the boy/man (now a middle-aged man and no longer a boy) tells a friend with whom he is having dinner that maybe none of it ever happened. A pointless, slow, uninvolving, dull, over-produced (in 3D no less), tedious story of survival at sea. If you enjoy seeing animals die (even if they are computer-generated), then, by all means, don’t miss Life of Pi.
The Counselor ~ At the end of The Counselor, my first thought was: I wouldn’t want to have to sit through that again. It’s about a lawyer who lives in Texas close to the Mexican border who discovers a way to make a lot of money to satisfy his appetites: get involved in drug smuggling. Of course, he must deal with unsavory types, and things don’t go as he hoped they would. He discovers the truth to the adage: If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas. Don’t waste your time on this tawdry dud. It’s two hours of your life you’ll never get back.
World War Z ~ The world is experiencing a zombie influx. No one is safe. Movie star Brad Pitt might be just the hero to save humanity. He has a wife in blue jeans and two shrieking daughters in deadly peril. World War Z is a lame, silly, bloodless, predictable, big-budget horror film. The scariest thing about World War Z is Brad Pitt’s hairdo.
Copyright © 2017 by Allen Kopp